Tuesday, April 5, 2011

"hitting walls and getting scars only makes you who you are..."

title quote - Broken by Lindsey Haun

There's a line in this song that reads: When you're broken, in a million little pieces; and you're trying, but you can't hold on anymore; every tear falls down for a reason; don't you stop believing in yourself.

That's powerful stuff if you think about it. Most of us have been in situations that were hard, or trying, but have you ever really been in a place where you can't hold on anymore? Where every breath is a struggle and you really wonder if you'll ever get out alive? I have. It's a dark place and I never want to be there again. The human soul can only take so much before it's broken beyond repair. I am thankful for my faith in God, even though there were times I sometimes wondered why he would ever allow me to experience the things I've experienced. But I never lost that faith, and that's the one thing I know allowed me to dig myself out of a nightmare. Without faith, we have nothing, and without faith, I would have never had the courage to leave.

I've hit walls and I have scars, but my scars are on the inside. Most people never see them, but on occasion, they rear their ugly heads. I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful man who sees that and tries his best to reverse the damage. It's a process that takes a lifetime though. As the years go by and as I begin to see what marriage and real love is supposed to be, those scars are growing smaller. They will always be there, but they are much easier to manage now. And really, they've made me the person I am today. I'm a much more compassionate person now, and I'm also a lot stronger.

I feel thankful to have the opportunity to share my story. I'm one of the few who ever has the chance. Abuse of any kind (physical, verbal, emotional) is difficult to escape and even harder to understand, especially to those on the outside. Why do they stay? Are they stupid or weak? What makes a person put themselves through that over and over again? What does it take to reach the breaking point? Why won't they just leave?! The answer is both simple and complicated, and if you stay with me on this journey, I'll try to explain it the best way I know how.


  1. I too was abused. Not by a husband but by the guy I dated my sophomore year of high school. You knew him, everyone did. Yet no one knew the everyday life with a boyfriend like that. I am proud of your bravery......it's not an easy story to share....

  2. Dezz, I am so proud of you. This takes courage and I am so glad to see you have found the inner strength to discuss and you believe in the support of those that love you. Because we have, all along.

  3. Thank you both! I'm still very nervous about it but I'm trying to focus on the good that can come from maybe helping others. It's such a hard thing to talk about, but it's so important for people to be aware of because it goes on all around us. Thank you both for the support! And Tiff W, I'm glad your around to read some of this. :)

  4. I pray for God to continue to give you strength and protection. I'm proud of you though I don't know everything on your situation. One of my great friends has started a foundation here in lubbock about abuse ( sexual misconduct or any other) she is haveing a kick off in the end of may. You should come!!

  5. Best of luck with this Dezz. I have a friend I met through Social Media (How very modern!) who finally found the courage to share her own story of her scars. She had suffered terrible abuse and was learning to trust and hope again, having moved on and built a new life and family. There is hope.